Last night my wife and I attended a minor league ball game here in town. It wasn't just any ball game down at the stadium. We were invited by one of her clients to join them for their wedding rehearsal dinner there. Yeah, I know it sounds a bit unorthodox, but the stadium is really nice. It's pristine in fact. As it so happened, I had worked extremely hard all week at my hot, sweaty, physically demanding, mentally taxing, factory job. I did enjoy the luxury of sitting at the house for a few hours drinking beer. I was relaxed from a good shower but I hadn't eaten. I was famished. I literally could have eaten a live squirrel. I was that hungry. My belly was rumbling. My bowel was empty. Seriously, I was fucking starving.
So the wifey returns from dropping the kids with her mother and she starts giving me flack about my shirt. I happen to like the shirt I was wearing. She tried to say it had a stain but it didn't. It was actually a blue and white baseball shirt. Our AA farm club is a Dodgers franchise so it actually made me a well dressed fan. I am in fact a good fan of what I choose to see. I wear team colors and I'm not going to take any shit about it. Besides, If she wanted me to wear something else I could, and would have. All she had to do was go to my closet and suggest how much better I would look in my royal blue golf shirt rather than my baseball tee. I swear women are retarded sometimes with their steam rolling. I don't play that. If a woman wants to try to leverage me I pin them to the mattress. That's just how I roll.
So we arrive downtown and take the short walk up the hill and file in just as the anthem is being sung. What a great night for baseball I thought to myself. Well, more like a great night for bull shit. More of that later. We walk up to the right field pavilion area and I'm talking about heading to Buffalo Wild Wings later when I see the buffet. Not to mention these two adorable 20 year old college students servicing it. I love it when attractive women have to smile and be friendly because it's their job. They don't get paid laugh at my jokes or raise their eyebrows and flirt though. I guess I was just a little charming.
Like I said, I was beyond hungry and I started making a game out of how much I could eat. These girls had all the vittles: Pulled pork, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, chicken finger, buffalo wings. So they asked me what I wanted and I told them it all looked so good and that I wanted it all. They kind of laughed like I was kidding. It was on. Understand I am 6'2" <200lbs. I'm a thin man, high energy, fast metabolism. It was a challenge. The more I ate, the more tense the situation got.
First was the best. Pulled pork sandwich with slaw. Yum. Next up, 1/2 lb. double cheeseburger with fixin's. Delicious. Then came the hot dogs... That's when the the really hot one standing next to the cute one started egging me on. I asked for the dogs and she talked like I was a pussy if I didn't eat two. God, I loved that. I put the dogs away. Then I had to eat 5 chicken fingers. Not the best, but eaten. The whole time I'm returning, this chick is begging me to eat the wings. I finally got the wings and I ate them. Then I had two small ice cream sandwiches. I was just about to indulge in a complimentary heavy lager (it was the bottom of the sixth inning by now- great pitching, very little offense, quick game) when my wife faked and allergy attack (my ass) and made us leave.
She started getting really bitchy but never told me she was embarrassed by my affinity for food. She started getting all bent out of shape and I had twist her arm (figuratively) to tell me what her deal was. I figured it out for myself and put it to her and she told me that I was right and that she maybe shouldn't have been more passive aggressive about it. We agreed we could have saved ourselves the pseudo-fight had she just expressed herself instead of being an asshole about it.
You know what I thought was funny? She asked me how I would feel if she had an eating binge at a company picnic. You know what I asked her in response? What's your weight in this hypothetical? Apples and oranges my dear. Apples and oranges.
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